sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i came on her dog
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
