i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
