There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
