i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
