you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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