its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
