I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Four minutes until I can fart!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
