sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
