I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
