rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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