I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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