Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
