if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
