you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
So vagazzling was a success
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
