So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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