I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
