Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
