If that was your dad, he is hot
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize