I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
