Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
