I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
