I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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