so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
