Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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