I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
