i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He is an equal opportunity slut.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
