Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
