im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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