Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
