I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
a search helicopter?!
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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