PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So many bounce houses so little time
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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