hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
