I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
