just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
