i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
