you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize