Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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