a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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