So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My bed smells like the plague
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize