life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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