Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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