good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
