you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
