I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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