he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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