is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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