the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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