dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
