Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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