I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
