I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
