the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
