I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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