Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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