Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize