mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
