Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
