We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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