there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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