I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize