So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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