hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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