He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
