Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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